Yep, I said it! And im not taking it back. Style can’t be bought.

Is that a wild thing to say as a self-proclaimed, personal stylist, clothing maker & shop keeper?

Maybe so. Hence the “HOT TAKE”.

Have i told you yet that I am a personal stylist?! I’ve been having this on blast on my IG & to folks coming into the shop, but haven’t written about it much here on Substack. But it’s about that time when nel is desiring a longer format of expression & communication.

It appears that I am naturally on a 2 week cycle with writing (not publishing) these essays and expounding on a topic of special interest. Ooo, Hello AuDHD! And thank you, self-scientist data collector!! I see you!

Thx to Jessica Lanyadoo (ghost of a podcast— my favorite astrology weather forecast), i understand that at the time I started to write this essay (6.15.26), I am synched to the Gemini new moon current, and I am sewing my seeds of intention.

So what are your intentions on this Gemini new moon, nellie?

My intentions are to continue growing into the human I want to be, by embodying myself as if I already am that highest, most realized, version of myself.

A graphic cartoon pops up in my head:

“Isn’t growing peculiar?“—says a seed.

So in that spirit, I am going to share and declare that:

I, nellie of the roses, am like no other stylist out there.

I do not tell you what to wear or buy. I do not tell you if you are a summer or a fall. In fact, I don’t even know how to figure that out and I don’t care to learn how (at the moment). Not because i don’t think its worthwhile, but simply because #1 There are other folks with that gift out there that can do that for you.

And most importantly #2: my criteria is based not on how you look or appear to others. In my world, it’s all about how you FEEL and how your clothing is serving your highest goals AND underlining your values.

Your personal goals & values are where your deep desires live. So when we align your clothing & adornment to what is actually driving you, MAGIC happens.

Supported, sustained transformation happens.

This is why I don’t believe that you can BUY a personal style.

However, you do have the massive opportunity to develop it.

I define style as the embodiment of your being, being able to express on the outside in a way that is aligned with your true, current, authentic, unmasked self.

Essentially, Style comes from YOU.

I simply support you in unearthing it, with my years of honed experience of intelligent curation, authentic embodiment & intuitive style development.

If this intrigues you, please reach out.

Book a free 30 min discovery call with me.

Here is the link:( discovery call is located at the bottom of this page on my website )

We simply see if we are a good match for your goals and then we go from there.

I have 3 spots open for style development mentorship this summer.

It would be a joy to work with you.

With all the ferocious care I can muster your way,

Xoxoxooxoxox

nellie of the roses, your Appalachian audhd darling, ‘style is anything but superficial’ advocate, authentic style/embodiment coach

So, on June 1st… nellie writes in their journal:

6/1/26

I downloaded a money map thing from Jamie Sea. I was curious, ooo so curious. So i spent the $27 and chalked it up to a business expense.

Things that resonated with me:

• aligned action is my power

• Replace “I need to be consistent” to “I need to be aligned”

• You’re giving people incredible depth and helping them understand their situation, but you’re not consistently telling them what to do next.

• That next step is working with you

• your audience doesn’t just need your perspective, they need your guidance.

• You’ve been building trust but not giving that trust a place to go.

• For your next post, start with ‘The one thing you need to know about...’ and say it directly.

I stop here for a moment.

And I make this IG reel and post for nrd_haus (one of my soul-driven businesses):

And NOW here, for all you Substack folks!!! All 222 of you wonderful darlings!!!!!!

The essay/article/newsletter thing yall have all been foaming at the mouth for…

Drumroll pleaseeeeeeee

The one thing you need to know about Money & me, nellie, is that…

We are currently (essentially) in couples’ therapy, me & money.

Money & me.

You see, we have been evaluating our relationship for some time.

Money says that it loves me. Adores me even.

I say, “I love you, too”, but with a lump in my throat.

Why is it hard for me to love money?

Because “EVIL” I hear reverberating through the clasped Appalachian coal mines of my brain.

Then THANKFULLY my financial coach, Nicole, enters the therapy room, taps on my shoulder, and is like, “whoa, hang on, Nellie, money is not evil. Honey, believe me, money is not evil. In fact, Money is an amplifier… whatever you are, whatever your values are, it will amplify. Nellie we want you, your values, your love, your light to be amplified….”

I am drawn down the portal of buying an amp & a microphone in earlier this year, January 2026, repeating over and over… I want to amplify. I want to be amplified. I thought i was thinking about my singing, and song writing things, but honestly, I’ve been loving quiet, small, acoustic settings for SLEEPOVER (my musical project), these days….

I notice a squeeze in my chest—I’m mad, i pause, hand over heart. I’m sooooo MAD. Mad that capitalism is my reality and i have to, along with everyone else i know, attempt to live out my purpose, the reason I am here (to be a being of joy & to share our folklore in order to amplify love & light in the world), through the means of a business….

Aka, Busyness for money. ARGGG

So we come back to putting down Money, i see.

Oooooo, Money, i want to forgive you!!! I really do.

I can see that you are just an unbiased tool, all too often wielded in a system lacking morals & community care.

“I’m an instrument not just a tool!!!” I hear money beg for me to see its genuine desire to be a part of play & its impending delight in helping to underline my values.

Okay… okay…then an instrument of what exactly?

“An instrument of amplification of your purpose, your reason of being earth-side at this particular moment in time… to be a being. To be a being of joy. To be a being of self-expression through embodied style. To simply be you. To simply be. In being so, you spread love & light, encouraging others (especially marginalized folks) to be authentically themselves & embodied through self-expression & taking up space. I, Money, amplify your potency of love & light with the implementation of boundaries, think of them as doors, or portals, that are closed or open. Boundaries protect your wellbeing, and take your holistic being into consideration.

Ooooo you, Money, did you just say—you are boundaries?

I, nellie, love my boundaries. They are love. It is how I show love.

Inwardly and outwardly.

Funny, just yesterday, a super smart pal of mine in this super rad online co-working space Portal shared this quote that had stuck with them:

“Money is boundaries”,

I wrote it down on a wish slip and left our conversation curious about what it means to her…

I still haven’t heard her full answer, but I believe it has something to do with love. Okay so… “Money is boundaries”, and boundaries are love. So money can be love, right?

Does the math, math?

That is right, nel, I, Money, when I am not ignored & neglected, I am able to take your wellbeing into immense consideration. But I do need your help in communicating clearly what you need honestly to thrive. Not just survive, babe. I need to know—what are all the things that keep you well & what do they honestly cost? We are talking physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Therapist clocks it & checks notes

Nel, it is your assigment to write these out, which I believe you already did for your business mentor last December…. YEP! Yall already figured it out together!!! (Good job past self!!!). You made an extensive list of all the things that would keep you well & able to BE your best… we wrote down the number…your current being would thrive at 200K.

WHOAAA HEY NOW, I, nellie, scoff, internally— but it echos through my being into the audiowaves—200K seems so incredibly WILD, I can’t even imagine such a reality. My being shrinks.

“Why is that?”, my internal therapist inquires. Hmmmm, i pause, contemplate… goodness…

well…i am stuck in the story of my past which is:

“ I have lived as a full-time artist for the last 13 years, working as hard as I possibly can, making around 20K. It would be impossible to work hard enough to make that kind of money. Besides, I live a really good life, I’m not starving, and i get to be an artist, with my own schedule!!”

This is the story. The story I tell myself for survival. To survive. For the last 3 decades, this story has kept me safe (and relatively happy, because I can ALWAYS see the best in things, even when im the most depressed) And now, making it out of my dark night of the soul & several NDEs, I realize, I, nellie, AM as capable as I’ve ever been. I am smart, and ridiculously well resourced, and I don’t need to play it safe. I can allow the story to be cleared, let go of.

Good thing, it’s a full moon in sag while i‘m writing this! Perfect timing to make the unconscious conscious, and to let go of the old stories, so we can grow, flourish, not just survive.

Love, love.

End of (edited) nellie journal entry from June 6th.

You see, as my relationship to Money slowly & surely repairs & grows, so is the depth of understanding my worth & the value I add when I can care for myself in a way that truly allows me to be fully me.

This internal work and guidance is incredibly powerful for my self-development and growth.

It’s happening, I am starting to see & recognize my worth.

My worth is showing!!!

Your worth is showing, too!!!! I know it is!!! It’s shining through! I see it in folks every day in the shop. My biggest wish is to witness you shine OOOO soooo brightly.

I’m curious— What is your relationship with money? Is your relationship with money connected to your self-worth? I’d love to hear in the comments.

If you made it this far, I applaud your attention span, and honor your time. Thank you thank you for spending your precious time with me, nellie of the roses, as I bare my insides on the outsides.

I am building a community in substack, in which I am able to share myself more deeply & reveal how I am going to crack the code in making a good living from my soul-led businesses, projects, and offerings.

I haven’t cracked this code yet, but im on a mission. You, sweet folks, get a front row seat, if you wanna hop in.

This community is for you if you are interested in soul-driven entrepreneurship, self-development, and working through limiting-beliefs so that you can step into the boldest, and brightest, most audacious person you are.

We are meant to thrive, not simply survive.

If you are drawn to my writing, my voice, what i am sharing, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

When you support my writing, you support me, nellie, in being a being and amplifying my message of being authentically YOU.

THANK YOU

Thank you for being YOU. No one can do it better.

With ferocious care,

Xoxooxoxooxoxoxo

nellie of the roses, your Appalachian celebrant & authentic personal style guide

Our beloved ArtSpring Festival lands on each Memorial Day weekend. An annual pause in time in which we are encouraged to take stock of the proof of LIFE, community, & deep care through centering our hearts, right here, in the arts.

As you may know, i am founder & co-creative director of Nellie Rose Design House (aka NRD Haus!!!). And every ArtSpring is our anniversary. This year we celebrate our 7th year of our flagship shop & studio in Thomas, WV. WHOA.

I must confess, I got particularly lucky this year.

You see, back in January 2026, I reached out to an artist whom i have long admired and asked them to be our featured artist for the ArtSpring Festival. And with that luck, in fact, the magician, the multi-hyphenate, the multi-dimensional, ever evolving atiya jones agreed to be the NRD Haus Visiting Artist for the SUMMER season!!!!!

This is atiya’s first time creating a body of work in RUG TUFTING— a deliciously tedious medium, perfect for atiya’s attention to detail, meticulous hand-work, & curious eye for color.

Of course, i have been beyond excited for atiya & her work to be ensconced in NRDHaus because, like we all know, things made by hand—objects that are made with exquisite presence & with much give-a-damn—carry such healing energy within & around them.

The gift I receive (as the person who might as well live with these works of art) is that every time an exhibition comes in, the energy of the space shifts & renews. In turn, the art does the work that art does—kindly realigning my attention and renewing me.

Come visit, spend some time, and feel for yourself.

Pssssst: you, too, can live with these. Send me a message if you’d like to know details of these seriously plush, delightfully satisfying tufted rugs for your home. It is my (dream) job after all, to find them the best homes they could ever ask for.

All that is to say, I am honestly living my dream life right now. I have built the art-centric, value-upholding, quality-loving, earth-concious, community-minded business that I am superbly proud of.

I officially established Nellie Rose Textiles (NRT) in 2013 when I was 24 years old. My oooo my, I am so grateful to that 24 year old, who wouldn’t settle for doing anything other than their dream of being a designer of their world and having a positive impact on the world around them.

Inevitably, as I shift & grow, NRT fell through a PORTAL & evolved into Nellie Rose Design House (NRDH). This past ArtSpring, NRDH fell through another PORTAL & evolved into its current form: NRDHaus, in honor of my Nordic roots & my desire for the auspicious combo of my favorite things: audacious nerds+ levity + deep deep meaning.

So I’ll leave you with this, friends, darlings, please, for the love of everything magic and mundane, i beg of you, say your wishes out LOUD. Allow them to land on your loved ones ears, be audacious & spell them into the universe…you never know what will happen if you do…but you do know what will happen if you don’t…. You know the answer…. It wont….

Link to IG reel about wish myth busting:

So do me a favor, speak your wishes. Spell your wishes. Put them in the wishing well.

Share your art. Share your heart.

With all of the ferocious care I can muster your way,

Xoxoxooxoxxoox

nellie of the roses, your ardent celebrant of love & appalachia

Woof. The other day another special person came into my shop. Someone I’d not formally met yet, but we run in the same circles of folks. We fell through a portal. Some kind of magic. I swear the best folks find me even tho I am in the tiniest of Appalachian towns, tucked way up high on a mountain top. They did say “if you build it, they will come.” And yall, i am happy to report that some of the best folks have found me by simply walking into my shop over the last 7 years. I am beyond lucky. I am one lucky mother folker (this isn’t the Good Place, its the we-are-folklore place so the f word doesnt become fork, it become folk.)

Okay so after that anchor of gratitude for my present life, I’d love to jump in and share that I am a practitioner of forgiveness as medicine. Lots of things can be your medicine, because we heal holistically, but boy oooo boy forgiveness is a medicine. Especially with your past, for your present & future. I love to do this via journaling. Aka spelling.

Love is the basis of forgiveness, and to be honest im usually having to forgive myself and past versions of myself the most often.

As a Celebrant, I have a calling to heal through pontificating about love… Back in September 2024, I wrote out a list of all of the people I have loved. Past lovers and various complex relationships. People I have learned significantly from in one way or another.

I was about to officiate my first wedding that October 2024, so i was thinking and pondering love a heck of a lot.

I realized that I honestly could say that I love everyone I have ever loved.

Even if they aren’t currently, presently, in my life.

No, this doesn’t mean that I have wonderful relationships with all of my exes.

Thankfully, I have plenty of those, too, but

I’m not some perfect human who does all the things right. I folk up. And get the gift of receiving and practicing forgiveness. Like everyone else in earth school.

That means that a lot of these folks I’ve lost touch with, and others I am dear dear friends with;

No matter what, their effect on me continues to this day.

Truth be told, they are all my greatest folking love story.

The story of learning interdependence, ferocious care, & truly how to love myself; while loving others.

Soooo anywhooooo, i came here to pontificate about love and this is what i have to say:

From my humble research on this subject of love and forgiveness and more love as forgiveness,

I report and mirror back to you what you already know

My dears,

what yall have taught me:

The truth of love is that it contains multitudes.

Love is curious and empowering.

Love is calm, and mundane and easily excitable,

it’s steady and unwavering

and spontaneous and takes really big risks.

It is worrisome and forgiving.

Ferociously forgiving.

Love is truthful, challenging, and growth-full.

Love is intuitive,

silent when necessary and persistent.

I’ve learned that real, honest love is translucent.

Encouraging you to be the light from within your solid,

autonomous being,

while illuminating the light within others.

The truth of love is that it contains multitudes.

So in the hard times,

I offer you these wise words of my friend’s therapist:

“What is mentionable is manageable”.

(I’ll say it again)

What is mentionable is manageable.

It’s kind of profound.

To have and to witness honest, healthy, translucent love.

It feels like peace.

A far cry from desperation.

It exists in the in-between,

out-of-time, silent moments,

Even, especially,

when you are alone.

Love doesn’t demand that you prove yourself,

In translucent love you don’t have to make yourself understood, while sacrificing your intuition.

It is soft in the hard and full of ease.

In OUR kind of love,

You can just BE.

You may rest in BEING.

We may rest in BEING.

Xoxooxoxoox

With the most sloppy of kisses & the biggest of hugs & the utmost ferocious care & the exquisite presence,

—your nellie of the roses, your Appalachian Spell Caster of Ceremonies

PS: * Love Contains Multitudes Poem Excerpt

adapted from:

nellie of the roses’

Potification about love

for the Fordatellas

San Francisco, October 2024

Anywhoooo, so the first part of the assignment is to look upon yourself and the various circumstances you’ve faced, particularly negative ones, like let’s say things you feel shame about, you know the ones that lead to insecurities, those unhealed parts of yourself. The ones that ultimately are the cause of much too limited unconscious beliefs about yourself. You know, those.

The first stream of words that spew across the inside of my mind are: “ I don’t work hard enough” and “I should be working more” (based on my lived experience of making a living as a self-employed artist for the last 13 years in a capitalist society).

And then the second part of the assignment is to show up with a whole lot of love here.

Like to totally absolutely—ENCHANT YOURSELF WITH LOVE.

I guess, this one is easy for me because I learned 4 years ago when i found a cancerous lump in my throat, that I was working toooooo hard, and I actually had to learn how to not be working all the time even tho i was doing my DREAM. This was the time when I paused and really had a good look at my life and how I was living it or rather, not living it.

Now im going to have to 3rd person this shit, because this is how i talk to my parts:

Don’t stop there, come on nel, ENCHANT yourself…. You can do it… show up with baskets full and baskets full of LOVE god damnit.

It helps to look at that post-surgery nel. And talk directly to her…

Okay, here we go—

“ honey, ooooo honey, you know, you aren’t here to work around the clock, right? That you have worth beyond your output? Beyond your ability to create? Beyond productivity? Yes, my love!!! Of course!!!!! You are valuable and worthy of this life, my darling!!! Simply by existing!!! You, my dear, are ultimately sooooooooo incredibly thankful for that experience. Yes, in fact, all of the experiences. The one where you worked for your dream, day in and day out to be an artist, and to have your own personal brand, and brick & mortar shop & studio in your much adored mountains!! What a dream. You did that!!! And yes, you are somehow grateful for the experience of cancer. It slowed you down, babe. Hallelujah. It demanded a PAUSE. It made you question why & how you move through the world as you do… not sharing or exploring so many things you find fascinating and worth while. Post-cancer, what did you do??!! You dove into learning how to roller skate dance with all of your heart. You did things that scare and enthrall you like solo traveling to Barcelona to LEARN at 33 years old how to roller skate dance because there was only so much you could teach yourself over at YouTube university. And countless other things! You started to live life differently. This is a blessing. You didn’t survive cancer, to only work. You survived to LIVE and to experience life.”

Okay so a recap: Things I know from this experience (aka self-scientist data!) when you absolutely ENCHANT YOURSELF WITH LOVE is:

I know that i can work hard af.

I know that I can make incredible things come to life from my brain and my hands.

I also know, that life is sooooo much more than work, and my output.

This wonderous, precious life is about exploring and learning and being a being simply to BE.

Hence, why I am on the path to create a life centered career rather than a career centered life.

Wow, well I’m grateful for that assignment. I’m sure I’ll need to keep reassuring myself around the same things over and over, but also I’m looking forward to working through some other deeeeeep shame portals with this journaling trick. Thank you, my fave YouTuber gem goddess.

So I must note, i love to utilize self-love, compassion, heart-fullness to process, to slowly heal. Personally, I have found heart-led practices to be incredibly beneficial. But I have to catch myself to not superficially bypass REAL emotions and struggles with positivity. That is the easy way out and doesn’t lead to the growth I’m really after. I am a feeler, so things must be fully felt. And I remind myself that this is the complex beauty of being human.

Yall, in truth, I am showing up with immense anxiety these days, AND enchanting the hell out of it with as much love as I can smother it in. I feel for everyone because I know I’m just feeling my little inner microcosm of the macrocosm. So I know you are going through it, too, in your own unique universal way.

I am sending so much love, and all the ferocious care I can muster your way,

Xoxoxooxoxo

nellie of the roses

I got to go to Ireland— to be a celebrant for a wedding, the union of two LOVE BIRDS!!!! In the Wicklow Mountains— the garden of Ireland no less!!!!!

This is my second time being selected for this special role and I must say it is one of my dream “jobs”.

A job that doesn’t quite feel Iike a job because it’s as if my soul was made for it.

My role as Celebrant is to be curious, observe, witness, & hold sacred space.

Starting a few months ago, I met with the special folks several times together and then again one-on-one.

Together we co-created a ceremony and rituals that are anything but cookie-cutter, but instead truly reflect the unique love they share!!!!

Weddings are often stressful, and full of logistics;

AND it is my duty to unlock the couples’ unconscious and reunite it with their conscious.

What a delight it is to be a guardian for such important magical transitions!!!!!! Truly, a dream for me.

To be completely honest, after this big accomplishment, I’m on the plane ride home, and I’m feeling quite down. It’s hard for me to understand why. I think i’m scared to go back to my regular life. Even though there is nothing regular about my life.

I have some major things to accomplish, to process, and they feel weighty. Quite weighty.

And my oooo my I miss my papa so much. It’s been over a year since he crossed over. I know he would be happy that I’m doing my darndest to live authentically and whole-heartedly. But what happens when you want so badly to live whole-heartedly, but it feels as if half of your heart is missing? My heart breaks on the daily, and often times I don’t think I’m made for this world. But then, I remember, I promised myself, I wouldn’t abandon myself.

I promised. I’d stay with my body even when I start to float out of it.

So I feel the soles of my feet in my shoes. I feel my toes from the inside out.

I do my best to simply be. Be present. Be exquisitely present, even with the sadness that you can’t fully understand.

The dullness, the mundanity.

You see, that’s the thing about life—it is at once absolutely MAGIC, profound AND boring. I don’t want to bounce soooo much from the depths and the highs.

I can’t help but want it to always feel magical and other-worldly, but we are in this world after all. And this world has its particular nature, if you will. Jaden, my energy/business/life coach talks about these 2 modes of being as an soul-driven entrepreneur that we oscillate between and she reimagines them into higher energy perspectives of “rest” and “focus”. I like the way she describes it in this post: (Link to Jaden’s IG POST so she can describe it in her words and graphics that are helpful)Link to Jaden’s IG POST

I have found it to be really helpful because instead of jumping right now to

“Oooooo nooooo, I will never feel that magic again like we created in that enchanted Wicklow Forest!!! “ Or “Ooooooo noooooo, I’ll never have an interesting idea ever again!!”, i get to actually take the time to simply BE and relax and rest and remind myself that it’s a natural cycle.

I remind myself that my being is intelligent and wise beyond my conceptual understanding. It knows that taking the proper time to incorporate and recuperate before moving on to the next thing is critical for living a worth-while, whole-hearted, non-burnt-out life.

We are always moving on to the next thing. Why?!

Last winter when I was in the middle of that worst-depressive-episode-of-my-life, I was listening to Tara Brach every day (because i literally couldn’t listen to music). And in one of her dharma talks she reveals how important it is to stop and feel things fully. To pause. Especially around the good things, because those experiences are less “sticky” compared to negative experiences... Even just 15-30 seconds of conscious recognition and gratitude before moving on to the next thing. (Scientifically proven!!!!) When she explained this, it truly clicked. So it became my duty to pause. At first, i started to notice how often i FORGOT to pause. I observed how fast I moved from one thing to another as if always escaping the present moment because i was soooo incredibly uncomfortable in it. But the more I stayed with myself, the more comfortable I got. And the longer I am able to stay in the present moment, my wellbeing improves. LINGER LONGER, Florence Given would say, Linger Longer. A concept, compounded over time has literally changed my life radically for the better. And also reminds me that I’m not sacrificing any magic what so ever. If anything, I’m making a safe haven for magic to find me even when i am down in the absolute dumps.

I pause for this darling youngin:

Anywhoooo that’s all for this episode of In Between the Stitches, with nellie of the roses, Appalachian high-priestess, Celebrant of Love.

Xoxoxooxoxo Big hugs and all the ferocious care i can muster your way, nel, your Appalachian darling

I’m on a flight from Ireland to Iceland. Back to home. Writing, because, apparently, I am a writer!!!! That’s write! Lol. Okay so I was listening to Florence Given’s most recent podcast episode and she said a real good ear worm—“ you can’t edit a blank page”.

I find it fascinating to explore other art mediums in which you realize that all of your work in other realms are transferable skills that you get to apply to the current present venture. The next exploration of self-expression.

Sometimes you just have to write some words down

like something as easy as a fact of physical location “im on a flight from Ireland to Iceland”

and then those words are a springboard into the pool of “creativity”. With no pressure to edit, because that comes later!!

No wonder there are whole books on writing!!! I get it now! (I probably want to read one eventually, lol)

Thank goodness for transferable skills. I didn’t realize i had them from being a self-employed, full-time artist since i graduated college (my 15 year reunion at Mount Holyoke College in western Mass is this May!! I had a good look at my current life circumstances and made the adult decision that I couldn’t afford to go, but promised myself I’ll make it to my 20th)

OKAY so, thank goodness for transferable skills. Because I find myself in the midst of more and more self-exploration. I think they call it Growing. But why I ask?! WHY does it feel so uncomfortable AND FUN?! Like a stick in the mud you simply won’t abandon but it gets slippery and gross and you fall down, and then it gets fun again because it’s turned into mud wrestling….but yuck…im stuckkkk… You see the cycle.

… In an interview with neuroscientist Emily McDonald, she said that when you feel stuck in your life it is for a few reasons. One reason being that there is an identity mismatch between who-you-desire-to-be and the who-you-unconsciously-believe-you-are.

Ever since i shined a light on my trance of unworthiness—I keep unearthing subconscious limiting beliefs that have been lodged into the deep appalachian hollers of my brain.

Ever since i admitted to my bestie that i 100% believed that i was stupid. And it was a fact in my mind that writers are smart. Therefore, I can’t be a writer.

(That is why i made this series of soft dream portals (materials: raw silk, hand-dyed organic cotton & organic cotton quilt batting) in May 2024, so that i could fall into them and dream. They remind & encourage me to Imaginate my wildest dreams and trust the jump into the abyss. PS: the left two are still available!!! And will cheer up any home and literally absorb noise :)))

SO I’ve been actively addressing theses shadows by saying to myself and anyone that will listen that I am a writer. I’m a writer! I say it to myself many times a day. Apparently if you say something long enough, it manifests into reality. I mean lookeee here, im writing for my blog, In Between the Stitches, which I started almost a year ago on my 36th birthday, last May 2025. And which close to 200 people subscribe to!!!! WOW. THANK YOU!!! That I must celebrate. ( I am a celebrant after all!!!!! I’ve also been telling everyone in my life this as well lol)

My darlings. Thank you so much for tuning in to In Between the Stitches. My humble blog, substack, newsletter. I truly believe it is so important to share what is on your ever-evolving heart/mind/body/spirit. I am the absolute luckiest to have this outlet for self-expression and connection. Grateful for you.

With all the big hugs and ferocious care I can muster your way,

Xoxoxooxoxoxoo

nellie of the roses, your Appalachian darling.

So in this exploration of being, I have been tasked with LOVING MYSELF, as an act of radical self-CARE.

In the last episode of “IBTS” I left off with “nellie-care toolbelt part 1”. So here is part 2, you lucky dogs!!!!!!!

Just a little side bar and juicy nugget, did you know that insects and birds operate at a higher frequency making them more susceptible to be influenced by the frequency of the spirits, your ancestors, your guides, whatever you call the magic on the other side of the veil.

Photo of Helen Moth & me.

So the next time an insect lands on you, pause, before unconsciously swatting it away. Then, say “Ohhhh HELLO!! I love you, too!”.

Okay so back to adding to my nellie-care tool belt part 2!!!

A list in no particular order or hierarchy:

1. I hired an energy healer to move energetic things from my metaphysical bodies that I was not fully aware of. Shining a light on my shadows. What a blessing ( Milo Full Body Alchemy Link—PS i was so skeptical of energy work until this experience of working with Milo), I believe that we often ignore the subtle and overlook energy in western culture. Simply because we are soooo focused on our physical body, but everything that materially exists, exists as energy. There are folks out there that have natural & cultivated subtle attention and therefore access to these realms that truly affect your physical being. Wow, im really feeling called to talk more about this, so it may need its own episode of “in between the stitches” ….

   1. Note: it took me experiencing disassociation for 3 months and not getting the holistic care that my being desired from just western medicine.

3. Hired a business coach and joined a business cohort. I love OPENFIELD! They keep me accountable and making decisions not from places of fear, but rather making decisions aligned with my higher aspirations and goals for my life.

1. Doing things that simply light me up and not necessarily to make money (roller skating & singing/song-writing, writing this newsletter)

1. Hired a badass financial coach: started talking about money more openly, working on my mind-set and energy around money. She is launching an amazing program & community for women, called INVESTED. It starts this Thursday!!!! Book a connection call with Nicole if you are interested in joining!Link to her site!

1. Cultivating direct and indirect intuition and parsing it out from my ego/instinct and practicing with others

3. Studying yogic philosophy & learning/practicing asana

6. Continuing my studies of 日本語 (it’s been since college!!! 15 years ago that i formally studied! Soooo good for my brain)

1. Consistent meditation (I started with 5 minutes a day. And have built it to anywhere from 8min-1hour depending on the day. Consistency over quantity)

1. Hired bestie to build out an e-commerce site, because, people want it outside of Thomas WV!!!! check out our offerings at Nellie Rose Design House !!!

4. Hired bestie to be shop manager, so I could leave WV for the entire winter.

2. Embraced interdependence and living and working differently than I ever have before. (I, nellie, in the winter, must live with people, even if that means moving in with mama and her sweetie. Omg i want to write about his too)

   2. Photo of me and mama and John

I guess all this is to say: Happy Birthday Aries Season, Papa and his cardinal fire siblings. I know you were with me this winter and always. Thank you for being your wacky, wonderful, complex self. I love you.

Photos of papa in his element: the desert <3

Firstly thank you for being you. No one can do that better than you.

A couple of days ago was my dead papa’s birthday. In his spirit, i am editing this essay I wrote a few days prior.

I am then going to push share before everything is perfected, because that is a muscle I am strengthening—doing things without over-doing them.

My papa would always spend exquisite attention on all of my essays i wrote in college.

He was an English Major after all. He cared about attention to details—grammar, word choice.

Receiving his and his girlfriend’s notes/edits on my essays in word processor—this made me feel so loved.

I’m nellie. I’m guessing you already know that because you read through the first paragraph. You also already subscribe to “in between the stitches”.

Thank you thank you thank you, for giving me a platform to share my insides.

Yall, i must confess, I haven’t done a stitch is quite some time.

The last stitch I made was 5 weeks ago when I took 15 minutes to hand stitch a handmade patch onto my lover’s hat as I sat on a beach in Mexico. Link to IG video <3

Yep that’s right, i escaped West Virginia winter this year. I was sooooo dang proud of myself. I made it a goal last year around august 2025, when a friend who is a therapist (not my therapist, but a therapist) walked into my shop and said… “nellie, what is your plan for the winter? You remember last year, right?”

She was lovingly talking about the fact that I have depression and it exacerbates in the winter, and last year… well, i was the lowest of all the lows.

You see, your nel, didn’t know that low could be this low. I’ve always dealt with depression, it runs in my family, so we are no stranger to it. However, it has not been this severe since 6th grade when my best friend basically said i should change everything about myself, even down to the way I laughed, which apparently was too loud.

Whoa this memory prompts me to expound on something… why do we scrutinize eachother so much? And starting in middle school no less!! We start sooooo young!!! Why don’t we just lift each other up? Can’t we see that we are not separate? That we are the same, you and me? Unique Universal Delights. We allll are made of magic. And we all express it from different, valid vantage points. AND we allll make life-magic with different special tools & gifts. Honestly, comparing, judging, scrutinizing is just a complete waste of the limited, precious time we have in earth school.

That is why i am so grateful to have friends who truly lift me up when I am down in the depths and soaring high. They don’t make me feel small, or like i need to dim my light. I can be my brightest bright self, AND my saddest most debilitated sobbing mess.

Sooooooo back to my story!!!! With ever flowing graditude to an amazing customer turned friend for having my back!!!

Thanks to her coming in to my shop and speaking to me honestly and with so much love,

I took ownership over caring for myself (with true acceptance of myself; instead of disassociation) with attempting to not over-identify with “my” mental health.

Interesting dichotomy, yea?

I think so.

But this is the stuff, I really love to do.

I love to learn, and unlearn, and learn.

Peeling back the layers of this onion is something I take true satisfaction in.

Oooo, yes—satisfaction!!! That reminds me: there is this episode of The Good Life Project Podcast i listened to that was so good!!! It is an interview with Arthur Brooks: Meaning in Midlife & Beyond. Arthur revealed that you must work to experience satisfaction—meaning it can’t come easily. Joy can come through ease. And of course joy is another important pillar of existence, but apparently satisfaction is also super important for the human condition and that, my friends, requires difficulty, struggle, and persistence.

Sooooo with incredible bounty of gratitude, interdependence, and audacity, I have been adding to my nellie-care toolbelt.

How, nellie?! How have you been adding to your toolbelt?!?!!!

A list in no particular order:

• Opening to the mystery and the magic of the universe

I often make art about this (link to print of OG watercolor on website) :

Radical acceptance of myself moving through dark times and then creating boundaries, but not walls to care for myself moving through such times

(aka, putting up this sign on my shop hours)

Link to IG reel about this <3

Looks like this essay needs to be done in several parts and this will do for now.

With all the love & light & ferocious care i can muster your way,

Xoxoxoxoox

nellie of the roses

The site is ALIVE yall!!!! Here she be!!!

I am so grateful to be able to build this little home. For the first time online, I am sharing my original works of art!!! Beautifully framed vibrant watercolors! Along with their print counter-parts, printed by our friends of Creature down the street on fine art paper with archival inks.

Over the last 6 years I’ve developed close relationships with many artists & makers and it has been an absolutely JOY to represent their beloved work in my brick & mortar shop. Over time, we will thoughtfully fill this online “home” with treasures I’ve made (like my clothing) side by side with treasures other amazing artists have designed & made. For now, there is a sweetly curated collection of jewelry by Maia Leppo, tie-ons by Flux Bene, zipper pouches by Otto Finn & botanical printed wool cases by Laurie Gundersen.

Another addition is my style coaching. I’m excited to venture into this realm. Over the years I have often received comments like—“only you could wear that, nellie”, “only you could get away with that”. I’ve also witnessed, time & time again, people light up from the inside out when they put a particular item of clothing on & stand taller, ease fully taking up space as their beautiful selves. I am not going to tell you what to wear or not wear, if you know me, you know this! I’m curious about what YOUR personal style is and getting you to lean into it with confidence and ease. Don’t fret if you dont know!!! You exist beyond description, and I am here to help and to nurture your unique light. I am offering 1 service and that is the CLOSET AUDIT. It is a springboard to get you started on your personal expression journey, because getting started is the hardest part.

As always, thank you for being YOU. The world is better for it.

With all the love and ferocious care i can muster,

Xoxoxoxooxo nellie of the roses

I think, i know, that the hardest thing to be is a being. To simply be.

I made this wish and dropped it into the wishing well 9 new moons ago:

To be a being (not just a business).

At this moment in time I found myself at a crossroads.

I was about to join Only Fans as a solution,

but instead as fate would have it—I was accepted into CloudBoy Uni.

**Crowd erupts in cheers!!!!

I’ve been applying to Cloudboy Uni for 3 years!!!!!!!

But nel, what is Cloudboy Uni, you ask?

Little secret: i made it up.

Thinking about my life in this way helps me romanticize the hell out of it so that I can somehow exist in this seriously hard & simultaneously seriously beautiful world.

Cloudboy Uni was established 2022

when I got the cancer removed from my thoat.

It was my Jesus year, my 33rd year.

Major thanks to western modern medicine,

I got to live rather easily

thwarting death,

when death was inevitable in a different timeline.

But this is THIS timeline and in THIS lifetime,

I am able to attend Cloudboy Uni.

What does it look like, you ask?

It’s looks a lot like a love letter.

Here is a peek at my acceptance letter:

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I could have never imagined all that would come up for me this thanks-giving season. But if I were to synthesize into something id like to share publicly it would be to revisit an essay I started writing a while back about perfectionism.

You see, I had so many conversations with family and family of family about how the kids these days don’t “try”. As if “trying” is social suicide. I’ve witnessed this phenomenon for over a year now. My heart is aching because I wished that it was different for them, then it was for us. But strangely, or not strangely, our particular society’s obsession with perfectionism is so strong that it is robbing our kiddos of building their strength of falling and getting back up and learning from that fall. How can we prepare these kiddos for adulthood? How else does one learn and grow????????

So here are some thoughts on courage, patience, and perfectionism I want to leave for the next generation.

I dedicate this to my nephews and niece.

Disclaimer PG-13: uses mature words for comedic effect.

For the younger ones, my hope is that older folks in your orbit will read this and pass along the message in filtered, more appropriate words for you. Maybe not even just in words, but maybe, just maybe, also in behavior. But some good authentic, from the soul, unfiltered words are a good place for me to start. The source of the river if you will.

Let’s play the millennial game of “fuck marry kill” with some concepts that have been coming up for me a lot lately.

If you aren’t familiar with the game fuck, marry, kill: go to this link. Just Kidding, I didn’t find a straightforward explanation and everyone has different understandings, which is typical for words… SOOOOOOO I rewrote the *Ai Overview* using my own criteria:

"Fuck, Marry, Kill" is

a popular social forced-choice game where a player is given three options (typically names of real people, celebrities, or fictional characters) and must decide which action they would perform for each one.

Nellie interprets as:

• Fuck: The concept you would fuck with. Like, “Oooo hell yea, I’d fuck with that. Sounds fun”

• Marry: The concept you would want to spend the rest of your life with. The concept you believe takes work AND it’s worth it and important to renew your vows with. This implies a long-term relationship, commitment, and compatibility, not just physical attraction.

• Kill: The concept you would eliminate or get rid of from your life completely.

After undergoing some extensive internal, personal research, I came to the very scientific conclusion:

I WOULD

Fuck [with] courage,

marry patience,

kill perfectionism.

Let’s start with,

KILL PERFECTIONISM

Perfectionism robs us of so much. My darlings, it is a tool of the patriarchal, capitalist, colonial, white supremacist society we are a part of. I mention the patriarchy with the understanding that even boys and men suffer a lot under this because literally everyone suffers under these structures. Everyone suffers when there is inequality—some more than others, obviously. Clearly, there is an underlying fear of being wrong or not being good enough at something. Fear of making a mistake and being witnessed by your peers. Do you know what that robs you of? It robs you of learning and of growing. I must say it’s really uncomfortable—to try and not succeed while your peers watch and possibly comment. I learned this in my college Japanese class to a very intense degree. Every time I had a presentation in Japanese, my face would get bright red, all of the words i meticulously wrote down on notecards got caught in my throat and I would inevitably end up crying sometime that day. I had such terrible stage fright, but thankfully my desire to one day communicate in Japanese was stronger than my fear. Learning another language was the first time I learned this lesson to my core. That’s the thing about lessons, you visit them over and over again if you decide to keep learning, growing, & experiencing life. Learning how to play guitar was second. Then learning how to rollerskate dance was third. All of these experiences over time taught me that it is impossible to become who we want to become and do any of the things we desire to do without first falling over and over and over again. This is the metaphor of finding & touching your edges. Growth doesn’t happen unless you go past your edge to find where it is—like charting a new territory for a map and having to bushwhack. It’s like rollerskating in the middle of the road & smacking the concrete (hopefully with wrist guards on) and getting back up and trying again. And smacking the concrete again, getting back up again, and trying AGAIN.

Three important things happen here:

1. You learn how to fall “safely”.

2. You build the muscles and the mental fortitude to get back up.

3. You utilize and integrate the data you picked up on your way down. ( I have found that this often happens naturally/subconsciously if you are playing with muscle memory)

My biggest encouragement is to go toward the embarrassing—as a wise friend of mine likes to remind me. Thanks to this friend and this understanding of how this being of mine actually learns, I now consider embarrassing things a green flag/green light. Continuing to follow where it is and be curious about it because moving toward it has always proven to be a rewarding choice in my life.

It worries me when I hear my nephew isn’t “trying” at a sport he really loves because it’s not cool to try. We are very well acquainted with the social pressure and the ultimate fear of being out casted. Ultimately, all we want is to belong. So much so that you will literally shrink yourself to “protect” yourself. Subconsciously, playing it much too safe, unfortunately confining yourself to your comfort (boring) zone. As if we are only worthy to participate in things if we are “good”. Arrrrgggg, What the fuck is this obsession with rank about?! This ridiculous obsession with being GOOD or the best at something?! I believe to my core that it is simply enough to enjoy doing something to spend time doing it. And I personally think it is badass, brave and cool as hell to “try”.

Okay onward…

MARRY PATIENCE

A fella once recited a zen monk’s poem to me:

Dear snail,

Climb Mount Fuji

But slowly slowly

In the OG Japanese:

かたつむり

そろそろ登れ

富士の山

(Katatsumuri, sorosoro nobore, Fuji no yama)

by Kobayashi Issa.

Woof, all I have to say about this is that it’s taken me a long time to get here. Ha! How ironic of me to judge my slowness of being okay with going slow. I believe it is worth trying to move with patience and to slow down. You know, when you go half as fast, you see twice as much?! Somebody smart said that.

My mama’s sweetheart said that it’s the oak trees in WV that stole his heart. He recalled to me once that the oak trees out of his college dorm room window taught him patience. As a tree lover and admirer, I understand this deeply.

I will also say, that I have had two bouts of being suicidal and not wanting to  live on this planet any longer. Thank god (the universe) for patience because what I truly needed was patience to allow the emotions to shift. Remember Emotions are Energy in Motion. They are always shifting. Everything always passes. Don’t confuse patience for ignoring or bypassing. You must FEEL this dance of energy, but not identify with it. Feel it, honor it by being with it for the time it is present for you patiently, and then let it float away, be curious about what is on the other side.

What I mean by marry patience is devotion to it. Is dedication, is renewing your vows and continually working on your relationship with patience even, especially in the hard…

And onward to

FUCK (with) COURAGE

Yall. Courage, bravery, really ties in with killing perfectionism. It takes real courage to try things you aren’t good at. It takes even more courage to stick with things that are anxiety producing, embarrassing, and/or awkward. But I promise you, it will always always always pay off to fuck with courage throughout your life. Please don’t mistake my words for sticking with things or situations that truly don’t suit you, but rather the courage to stick with the things that light you up, despite earthly pressures. It will propel you into your biggest dreams and most thrilling, life-giving connections.

So I’ll leave you with this, my audacious wish in 3 parts:

1. My audacious wish for you, my dears, is to not succumb to perfectionism, but rather build a resiliency to embarrassment (and maybe someday even joy in), and move toward the things that light you up no matter how “good” you are at said thing. Please know that there will always be people who uplift and empower you at these embarrassing, awkward times. Pay attention, these are your people, nurture, challenge, & empower each other.

2. My audacious wish continues, wishing you will build a relationship with a sustained present patience. This is a hard one because it isn’t immediately rewarding (at first! Then it becomes incredibly rewarding!), but is very important in the grand scheme of things.

3. My audacious wish concludes with, wishing you to PLAY on a spring board of courage. Remember it’s important to flop. To belly smack. And it’s just as important to climb back up that 3 meter ladder again and land the dive before you pack up and go home. (Thank you to my diving coach in college: Mary Ellen Clark!!! (Link to video!!!) for explicitly teaching me this lesson in a non-metaphorical way that always stuck with me metaphorically even though I didn’t stick with diving lol)

With butt-loads of give-a-damn and embarrassing try hardness, with all the patience I keep losing and gaining, & with all the courage to not over-edit this essay, i can muster into care for you, be well,

Xoxooxoxoxoooxo

nellie of the roses

A

¡ WEBSHOP!

deliciously

filled with ~~~~~

Specially curated collections from your fave IRL shop + coveted objects & offerings NOT offered in the IRL shop = exclusive to this in-between world :)

Do you want to be in the know about such happenings? Then you are in the right space!!!

Know anyone that you can imagine wanting to know about such happenings? Perhaps you know a crafter, who saves everything, always talks about their feelings and sustainability, and how much they adore the earth & get off by mending their own clothes? Send this to them!! They may want an Otto Finn (one of our zero-waste designers!) mending bundle made from their scraps. Perhaps you know that babe who is an over-worked badass who would appreciate a well curated selection of sustainable gifts that support community-minded businesses all around the country this holiday season??? Send this to them!!

I’d greatly appreciate you sharing this newsletter—In Between the Stitches with folks who you believe would resonate with me and my offerings. Thank you so much for being here. I feel so lucky to have this community that is so much more than retail!!!! I am already achieving my audacious wish of being a being, not (just) a business. I am grateful for this long form media outlet, where I can do my best to show up in authenticity, putting my give-a-damn into designing spaces full of vulnerability, grace, play and exquisite care for myself and subsequently others.

A heads up, we are taking steps to disengage from IG and any other media that steals so much of our precious time.

Love yall. Let’s build real community. Get out in yours! Imaginate TOGETHER!!! Make meals together! If small businesses improve your quality of life, support your small businesses this holiday season!!! And always! Remember in a capitalist society, you vote with every dollar you spend.

All the love & light I can muster y’all’s way

Xoxoxooooo

🦋nellie of the roses🦋

Here I am extending my thoughts, experiences, and blessings on the subject of suicide for the audacious wish to aid in suicide prevention.

I haven’t talked much about this publicly, but folks who know me well know that suicide has touched my life significantly.

Suicide has laced the stories of my family history and also has been very present throughout my life.

Before I was ever earth-side, my papa’s papa, took his own life. He suffered from what is considered a mental health disorder in our current time and society. The story of his suicide is essentially his legacy, because it is the only real story my being has latched on to. I wish i had stories of his wacky inventions and grandiose dreams. But instead, I spent all of my life hyper vigilant, waiting for the imaginary phone call, the dreaded call that my papa took his own life—a secret fear of mine simply because he shared his papa’s DNA. Despite his shared experience of intense ups and downs, my papa never took his own life. He died of a natural health decline over 3 months time and was beautifully surrounded by depthful love and ferocious care.

Very recently my attention was brought back to the subject of suicide because a friend’s friend’s son took his own life at 17 years old. Absolutely tragic. My heart once again shatters into a million pieces.

As a human who has been significantly touched by suicide as well as a being who lives and derives meaning from their emotional center,

I feel compelled to share, especially with young folks, something important that I have come to understand:

Emotions, are Energy in motion. They flow. They pass. They go. They change. They dance.

Riding the wave isn’t easy. It takes practice. But you will get to shore. And sometimes it will be the best dance. Sometimes it will be the most trepidatious. Sometimes they go hand-in-hand. In the words of my papa on his death bed— “do your best to let them <emotions/ups/downs> come & go…. be curious about what is on the other side”

In the United States of America, we are not pro-actively taught emotional intelligence, yet emotional energy underlies A B S O L U T E L Y everything.

On top of that, suicide as an act is illegal, making it a taboo subject to even talk about; despite the fact that death is a very common, universal thing to think about. Especially when problems are hard and we can’t seem to figure out solutions. Especially when emotions are really hard and we can’t possibly bear their weight… Again, I’ll take this time to repeat that emotions are in motion and they MOVE. They wont stay that way, I, with my whole heart, promise you.

The first time I was suicidal was when I was in middle school. It was the 90s/2000s and makeover shows were all the rage.

I was approached by 2 of my dear friends—they wanted to do a make over on me, in the guise of their love and care for me to ( ironically ) live my best life.

They made me a list of all the things I should change about myself. I don’t remember everything, but these are the things that I internalized—

1. My laugh was too intense, too big. According to them, people recoiled from it.

🦋 Note to younger self from 36 year old self: ooooo honey, your laugh is genuine and joyous and is contagious and magnetizing to the right people for you 🦋

2. I rolled my soccer shorts up too high.

🦋 Note to self: You really always did have a sense of personal style, darling!!! 🦋

3. My experimental makeup was too much.

🦋Note to self— sweeeeetheart!!!! You love to experiment with your self-expression! You were so inventive and clever!!!! You would coat your eye lids in lip gloss and then generously apply loose glitter like a thick weighted blanket, and would line your eyes in various shades of red lipliner !!! Such a beautiful weirdo. Love you. 🦋

I learned to tone myself down.

I desperately tried to fit in, even though I couldn’t because this being of mine is designed to self-express. This juxtaposed to my being also designed to desire connection and belonging. It was as if they both couldn’t co-exist. It was around this time, that my best friend (one of the people who gave me this list) stopped being friends with me. I don't remember why, but I didn’t have many friends at this time. I remember deeply not wanting to live. I was so achingly young and my young brain could not imagine life past this moment. I must have expressed something to my parents. They called upon family friends for support. They secured an informal appointment with my elementary school’s counselor, Glen Davis, whom I trusted deeply. He talked with me, I don’t even remember what was said. But I do know that he helped me ride the wave of emotion and deep sadness and shame. The universal trauma of feeling separate and the subsequent gut-wrenching belief of not ever belonging. He helped save my life. Bless you Glen, bless you parents, I am so incredibly thankful.

In between then and now, suicide continued to touch my life quite a bit.

In 9th grade, my middle school boyfriend’s best friend who was still in middle school, took his own life. It rocked everyone. He was a very popular human. This was my first funeral, open casket, I had ever been to. Bless you Zack Rider, I think about you often, dear one.

When I was in college, a dear soul that I wish I would have known better from my high school days, took his life. A year or two older than me, I observed, JT was the popular boy who played football and baseball and was very kind to everyone. A megawatt smile, gregarious, magnetic, everyone adored him. IRL we may have not appeared to be friends, but throughout the years, behind the scenes, he slid into my DMS first on AIM and then eventually we transferred our friendship on to facebook. I don’t remember this correspondence as flirty, but rather delightfully friendly and respectful. I felt like he saw me and always made me feel like i was worthy of attention and presence. This little thread of connection to him meant a great deal to me. Sadly, he also took his own life way too early after some tours overseas, with one of our branches of military. Bless you, JT McClure, I miss you. I think about you. I hope you are well.

And then post college, my dear friend, Daniel Poore, took his own life. Daniel was an instrumental human in my life growing up. He was a bit older than me, had a car packed full of trapper keepers overflowing with CDs. Along with a car full of buddies, we would blast music, sing every word of Mumbo Number 5, play pick up soccer, pig out on Dairy Queen, and jump off of rope swings into rivers. He was so generous with thoughtful gifts— I still have puma shoes he got me that I can never bear to get rid of. He was one of my very dear friends. This world was maybe too harsh for him, which I so desperately understand. This world is all at once achingly beautiful and crushingly cruel. Bless you, Daniel Poore, I miss you, I love you, I hope you are well. I hope you are at peace. You are one of my angels.

A few years later, my step dad, my mama’s now late husband, took his own life. This is an instance that glaringly highlights the concept of death with dignity and deep questioning the lack of humanity in laws considering suicide in this country. He had Parkinson’s, hospice was called. His natural death was imminent but not on his terms. He must have felt like there was no other option, which I feel sooooo sad about. His death felt very violent and secretive, and incongruent with the life he lived. I think about how my mama and his kiddos had to live in the aftermath of this silent violence and how it could have gone so differently if only… if only, we lived in a culture where we were able to talk about suicide and death with dignity… maybe we need a different word than suicide for these circumstances for a being at the end of their precious life? Peter, I love you, I hope you are well and at peace. Thank you for the owls.

Funny thing, Peter just jumped into my mind and reminded me to <WITHOUT HESITATION> give my opinion even if it sounds pretentious. AKA pull-a-peter. AKA peter-splaining. (I’m workshopping this let me know if you have other suggestions)

So, THOUGHT/OPINION—Is the term: death-with-dignity the word folks use in place of suicide in these particular circumstances? If so, let’s pull-a-peter and say that even though I support the concept, death-with-dignity is a cumbersome noun to fit into a sentence and could be reapproached linguistically to introduce some ease into an already difficult topic of conversation…. )

If we were able to have a different word (wow words are powerful!!!), that word could give way to a different procedure. If I imagine this alternate universe, my mama and her late husband would have been able to be together at the end of his life. It would have been a harmonious and beautiful (& less frightening!!) shared experience. Death does not have to be bad. It will always be intense and emotional, but it doesn't have to be LIKE THAT. We know now, that all of that energy gets lodged in our bodies. This stored energy is a violent current because of the structures and the culture in this present moment in time. If we talked about death/suicide more openly and with less stigma, I think it would be very soothing for the souls that have met their time to leave this world as well as for the souls that continue on the physical plane of existence.

For some reason, I feel like I have one last thing to talk about and that is my most recent time of being suicidal. However, as I check in with myself, I sense a resounding: “I am not ready to talk about this publicly” message coming through. What I will say is that I am eternally grateful for the people in my life. You quite literally saved my life whether you knew it or not. Someday, when/if I’m ready, I’d truly love to share my experience and what I learned through that time period of such darkness, and coming out on the other side with a simple purpose of being an instrument for love & light. I am elephantinely grateful that I still do exist in this breathtakingly magic & ferociously complex, difficult world.

Blessings and musterings of all the light & love because scarcity is a myth and we all deserve it all.

Xoxoxo

🦋 nellie 🦋

*(for us luddites this means—Too Long Didn’t Read aka this next bit is a lil summary before the real essay… i think)

So you know how powerful words are, right? Like sooooo damn powerful, that is why they ban books…. Okay so,

I

fell

Through

a many of

a portal

  today 

And this is one of them.

I was celebrating to myself as I texted with a client of mine, rejoicing in how happy i was that the garment that I had in my shop suited her so well. And then I recognized a cloud of shame wash over me. So funny how that works. I am learning that we as humans have a relationship to money and that relationship is so wrought with emotion. For me, it’s anxiety, shame, disinterest, fear. Woof, that’s no good in a time when it is of the utmost importance to make a living in the currency of money. That’s why I joined a money management alignment course that will be on going for the next 12-months. Ahh! Wish me luck. Apparently money is neutral, but it just has never felt that way to me. But I truly am sick of living in poverty and fear and feeling like I lack agency. So here I am trying to change my relationship with money. Here’s to slowly healing and resetting my neural pathways one day at a time…

Enter Rabbit hole:

So… I have this feeling about capitalism and how much I hate it and then I think… Wait, when you hate something (even when it is very worthy of such hatred)… where in this moment, does that energy of hate take me? I stop and I notice. So out of this hate, I then automatically connect money and the way that i get money as negative. It robs me of joy. Joy of making a really great connection with someone and celebrating that. It taints everything. So I have been working with a coach and it seems to me as I observe, how one talks about things, what words people use, are really important. It echos through everything we do. Not to put a lot of pressure on what words you speak, but more specifically, simply an encouragement to slow down, notice and not judge— (that’s the crucial part!! No perfectionism trap here!!!) so that you can intentionally chose higher vibrational, energy rich, words. You see, what we unconsciously think comes out in our words—it’s literally coded in the way we speak. I find this so freaking fascinating!!! And really cool, and why I devotionally practice mediation and touching moss. Because these practices slow me down, help me be embodied, and strengthen my noticing-w/o-judging muscles.

If you are ever in my shop and get into a conversation about my most recent paintings (It’s a perfect day for crying), and definitely if you are my dear friend or my therapist, you’ve heard me go on and on about Tara Brach (link to her teachings) . I love her. (Bless you, my friends, Kjoy and Katie, who introduced Tara’s meditations and lectures to me.) Tara Brach often talks about the trance of unworthiness and when i heard those words it really really helped me gain an understanding. It was as if those words were a portal for me. And I started to notice from there on out that so many of my thoughts ( hence words, and subsequent actions!!!) are coded in unworthiness…..

Carl Jung says something to the effect that whatever is unconscious will become your destiny. Growing up under capitalism… the default is literally a trance of unworthiness… it is built into our subconscious through every ad and algorithm. It is what makes a good consumer. That is what makes people SEEK outside of themselves. No wonder I have hatred for the system that makes me complicit in so much pain. I recognize this. And I accept this. This feeling belongs. And by accepting it, I can investigate somatically. I feel it in my head. A major headache. I put my hand to my forehead. I break out the backbone farm “heal what ails ya” salve, and I massage my temples and nurture, nurture, nurture.

I love how portals become circles….

How when we leave home for long enough we will eventually be on our way back home…. A poet friend said that to me recently. And I believe they were quoting someone famous. But damn, it has really helped me trust the process.

Here’s to slowly, steadily healing and resetting our neural pathways one day at a time…

With all the love & light i can muster,

nellie

HOWEVER, I don’t want to be deterred! I want to keep talking about depression (etc) on my platforms because I think it’s important to add my voice to the choir about mental health awareness—to share and be open about the real struggles that we all have in our own unique way. I think that adding my voice & my experience might be helpful because that is how I’ve learned and become more aware—by people generously sharing their personal experiences around mental health. It is what actually saved my life this past winter. Very honestly, because people on the Internet, in books, on podcasts, and also in person shared their particular struggles. We are interdependent beings!! And our wellbeing requires team work. These open-hearted folks helped me observe myself with no judgement, just love and acceptance, which are accelerants for growth.

A quote from Brene Brown that served as a touchstone and important reminder. I put this on my phone background and Lock Screen for several months.

Thx to folks sharing their stories, I was empowered to not hide, but rather to talk openly about my experience. I knew who to go to for help when I noticed my personal struggles moving beyond my capacity. Yall, I just want you to know that three months ago I could not imagine the kind of creative work and brightness my life has right now.

I barely could function. Needed help getting out of bed and making food. But somehow, someway, with a massive team, I slipped out the other side. This is what I’m working on right now— A wonderful custom wedding party dress for an amazing woman who is getting married next month. It’s going to be the circus dress of my dreams!!!!!!!!!

You see, because of a chemical imbalance in my brain make up along with the common burnout of being a being in capitalism, and the real, intense circumstances of my life at the time, I could not see my world here. I couldn’t see its beauty. I couldn’t see it for a long, long time, and it really scared me. The world is so vivid and so bright and so beautiful and I would’ve not been able to experience that if I would have given into the particular ways my bodymindspirit was feeling. What i have learned is we are meant to be interdependent and that being open & vulnerable saves lives.

With love & light,

And so many nellie nuzzles.

Xoxoxo

Want to have a positive impact today?! I have a very quick and easy action item for you!

I know we all have local issues coming down the pipeline that are needing our attention. I want to alert you to the one in my area. I am a human who was born and raised in West Virginia in the Appalachian mountains. I LOVE these mountains and rivers and communities with all my heart. I currently am nestled in the mountains of WV in a very very beautiful part of the world close to Canaan wildlife refuge and The Dolly Sods Wilderness area. Home to very unique ecosystems, ripe with an outdoor recreational spirit and a vibrant art scene.

We are opposing a power plant and assumed data center that this plant would fuel. This plant would be the one of the largest power generators in the state of West Virginia. And would create incredible environmental impact on our air quality, which could detrimentally challenge the local population’s health as well as our way of life here. The proposed location is less than a mile from 2 elementary schools.

If you love this area; if you have spent any time in my shop or in this area and enjoyed it and want to continue enjoying it while breathing fresh air, Will you join me in submitting public comment to the Department of Air Quality to reevaluate the air permit? Time is of the essence, with public commenting ending July 18th @ 5pm. Tucker United, a local coalition, has made this very easy to do through a fast action form. Here is the link to the fast action form!

We have something very important to protect. Help us save Tucker County!!! Thank you for your time and care. I appreciate you dearly.

With light & love,

Nellie

I recently had a dear friend of mine say to me that self diagnosis is real. And that really helped me. It felt very validating because I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist since January and I’ve brought up ADHD; I’ve brought up autistic burnout. That road of the conversation quickly becomes a dead-end. What I’ve come to realize and be surprised by is that those sort of psychological testing aren’t routine for a psychiatrist to do or even call in an order for. They are really really expensive and very rarely does insurance cover it. Because I don’t have the funds, the discussion ends in this clinical setting. This has been my current roadblock. So in my case, I found that a friend validating self-diagnosis actually didn’t halt the conversation in my private life, but actually encouraged exploration and curiosity while de-stigmatizing these neurodivergencies (i guess this isn’t a word, but i like it, so im using it)

I believe that the validation that comes with self diagnosis, as well as, clinical diagnosis, opens the door with curiosity of getting to know your unique brain coupled with self-compassion. New-found understanding awaits in kind observation and conversation. Slowly, but surely, that curiosity is able to replace judgment and frustration.

This perspective shift is so incredibly helpful because it releases you from the grasp of your inner critic (I’m not sure if everyone knows how influential your inner voice truly is!). With this shift and freedom from that, your flaws in this un-nuanced world also shift into the gifts that they actually are. Being different, thinking differently, being able to think abstractly, is a gift. Once this shift happens, you start practicing unmasking when you feel safe. What unmasking does is it allows you to find and connect with other neurodivergent people. We thrive in community. We thrive in interdependence.

What neurodivergent people understand is that our differences unite us. They are reasons for celebration. I like to believe that this perspective and understanding has a major ripple effect. Because dominating structures, governments, cultures, utilize differences to spark fear. So the more people are empowered with self-diagnosing their ADHD, their autism (rather than waiting to being able to afford it), it can have a beautiful effect on the greater culture of the world.

Furthering kindness, understanding, and humanity.

With love & light,

And obnoxiously big hugs,

Nellie

I keep thinking back to the day of his funeral in March. I had the impulse to document my grieving self, getting dressed in clothing that he made. Lucky me to have soft silky material objects of his. That he dyed. Omg he DIED.

This is the hardest loss of my life this far. It’s not just about him being dead and not in physical form any longer, but also metabolizing the experience of witnessing him succumb to death over a period of 3 months this winter. There is absolutely nothing like watching a human you desperately and complexly love, die. I replay this interaction with him in hospice when he was in and out of lucidity—he screamed in terror “what are you doing?!?!”

I held his hand and i said, “ papa, we are trying to help you pass on. It’s hard isn’t it?”

He exhaled with pure lucidity, resigned, locked his eyes with mine, “ So hard. So hard.”

He died that night.

The following week my mama and I were cleaning my studio and she found an envelope with a card addressed to me from papa, sent to me back in 2011.

I opened it up and all it said was this:

“Nellie

This was easy,

Love you tons

Papa”

Even in the darkest of my dark, magic reached me. I choose to believe in the romantic mystery. It’s always there if you allow yourself to keep your heart soft and open along side the pain. I learned its strong to cry. It’s strong to allow yourself to break down and fall apart.

I have been feeling so dang lucky to be an artist at this time. To have outlets for my grief to be unleashed in.

A few weeks ago, I revealed a watercolor exhibition in my shop of paintings I made over last fall and winter.

This collection is called:

“It’s a perfect day for crying“

It’s a perfect day for crying is

a plea to remain soft in the hard.

to play in the chaos

to open our hearts in the fear

And to show our underbelly in the strength that it is.

Next time I’ll share about the art. But for now. That is all. Just a little story time.

All the love & light to you,

With a big soft heart,

Nellie